PUCKER up
The dating czars suggest that for singletons, the holidays are the
best season in which to flirt your way to a partner for dating's biggest
night - New Year's Eve.
They can't promise it will be easy. But it really should be fun.
Go to a party, even if you're not invited.
"Everybody needs to go to every holiday party that they're invited
to or they need to go as a guest," proclaimed Patti Feinstein,
a Chicago-based dating coach.
Men and women tend to get all "freaked out about being single,"
Feinstein said. "Turn it around and look at all the opportunities
you get at this time of year. This is the time where you don't need
pickup lines."
Flirt, even if you don't know what you're doing.
Women need to give a man a reason to talk to them. Feinstein recommends
wearing a "cute little Santa hat." Rachel Greenwald has
bigger plans for the uncoupled.
Greenwald is the author of "Find a Husband After 35," a
15-step program based on strategies learned at Harvard Business School.
You won't necessarily find flirting instructions, but you will understand
why it's important to be out there networking.
Greenwald offered flirting lessons by phone from her Colorado home
while her three children played. First, do your own market research.
Prepare conversation talking points. "That's not easy. That takes
time," Greenwald said.
"Flirting isn't just the superficial batting of the eyes,"
she said.
At the party, make eye contact with a man but don't approach him
first. Just smile. It helps if you bring something as a conversation
starter. Wear a Packers pin (but not necessarily any sports clothing).
Have an interesting handbag, scarf or earrings - something that prompts
conversation.
And then talk. If you want the conversation to continue, or want
him to call again, Greenwald suggests a couple of tactics: Mention
a book you've recently read but don't quite give up the entire title.
Offer your e-mail so you can look it up for him.
Jill Schlosser, 30, has heard of the book, but she's not yet at the
husband-seeking stage. She considers each holiday party an opportunity
to meet all kinds of people. She will, however, prepare talking points
for a date - to ensure both parties have a good time.
But as far as feeling like a lonely singleton this time of year -
it doesn't happen, Schlosser said. Not with her attitude.
"I think the other thing is, in general, people are just nicer
to each other this time of year with the holidays," Schlosser
said. "In some ways that's like natural flirting."
Be confident. Even if you're not.
Offering equal time for men is Alan Goldsher, 37, relationship columnist
for Match.com. Goldsher, an author and musician, had no background
in writing about relationships when he took the job. He is not a psychologist,
but he writes like one online.
That takes confidence. And Goldsher, who lives in Chicago, recommends
that every time.
"Even if you're not necessarily confident, act confident,"
Goldsher said. "Women are far more impressed by someone confident."
He stands by his words. "My philosophy in life, in general,
is ask. I'm sort of an 'I-don't-care' kind of guy. I just ask. 'Hey,
I'm Alan. You seem like you're pretty cool. Want to go out sometime?'"
In the meantime, he has developed and recommends "a bullet-proof
ego." Goldsher understands the frustration of not being attached
this time of year. A few years back he was dating someone. The couple
was talking in bed when she sprung the news that she didn't want to
see Goldsher anymore. He was - get this - too nice.
"She dumped me two weeks before New Year's Eve," he said.
"To be honest, I hate New Year's Eve. I never had a girlfriend
on New Year's Eve."
Dating makes you feel young. Even if you're not.
This starts the busy season at Single Attractions, a video dating
service at 933 N. Mayfair Road.
"It's really funny because as soon as September is over and
the weather starts getting a little bit colder and all the festivals
are over, people start getting worried about the holidays," said
co-owner Kathy Badura.
Clients range in age from 25 to 82, Badura said. Most of them are
professionals who want to increase their odds on pairing up. They
pay a fee that begins at $595 for the first year and then choose from
several videos.
Badura and her partner, Connie Lichtenberger, advise clients on how
to make the best video; how to submit a good photograph for the file;
and how to fill out the personal questionnaire.
For instance, don't submit a picture of you holding a prize-winning
fish for your file. Sure, mention that you enjoy fishing once in a
while "but we don't need to see a picture of the largest fish
they ever caught," Badura said.
We asked Badura and Lichtenberger for five tips on how to close the
deal when you get the date. They offered: "Put your best foot
forward and dress to impress. If you're meeting somewhere make sure
you're on time and make sure you know the exact details of where you're
meeting. Be interesting and interested. Enjoy your time together even
though you may not feel it's a future relationship for you.
"Don't tell your entire life history as far as dating and divorce
at this point. Save that for a later date. Don't talk about anything
that's negative or very heavy."
Smile. Even if you don't feel like it.
Coach Feinstein recommends what she calls "one, two, smile."
Catch the eye of another person. Look at them for two seconds. Smile.
Then look away.
Flirting isn't off-limits if you're at an office holiday party, according
to Greenwald, who has an MBA from Harvard. Think of the party as networking
- casting that wider net for a partner.
Most likely, singletons will decide this is the last year they go
without a significant other.
"We definitely see a cumulative ramp up with an interest in
dating. It starts around Thanksgiving and peaks for Valentine's Day,"
said Trish McDermott, vice president of romance for Match.com.
Match.com surveyed 1,000 of its online clients and found that 87%
of singles claim to be optimistic about the upcoming holidays. At
the same time, 31% said they feel extra pressure to be dating during
the holiday season.
Not so for Steve Kelley, 33, of Milwaukee. Although the Match.com
member understands the sentimentality of the holidays and "the
desire to refocus, redouble efforts to meet someone," he's happy
to go to holiday events stag.
"I tend to like freedom," Kelley said.
