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Singles must study relationships

Some years ago, a local radio station had a morning segment they called "Losers Club." Singles in the listening audience were invited to call in and explain why they were losers at dating and relationships.

Single myself at the time, I had just started my singles program and understood very well what the callers were feeling. I knew, however, that declaring themselves losers was not the way to handle or resolve those feelings. I wanted so much to tell those callers that they were not losers. They might be undisciplined or uninformed about dating and relationships, but they were not losers.

Undisciplined? Dating singles are undisciplined, for example, when they see red flags and forge ahead anyway. When they know the rules but opt to break them. When they adhere to popular dating mores rather than conventional wisdom. When they listen to well-meaning but misinformed (or uninformed) friends or family instead of heeding the whispers of their inner voices.

Dating singles are uninformed (and misguided) when they excuse abuse and violence and keep trying to make a relationship work. When they choose to stay in an unsatisfying relationship because it's better than nothing or better than being alone. When they keep doing the same things over and over, expecting a different outcome.

Singles are misguided when they swear off dating and relationships altogether, choosing to stay home alone or to work themselves to death in order to fill time, avoid rejection and, above all, avoid feeling their feelings.

Singles are uninformed (and misguided) when they avoid counseling or therapy. When they dismiss self-help books and programs as "psychobabble" and refuse to read or study about dating and relationships.

Dating singles, on the other hand, become winners when they realize they need to make changes. When they say, "I need to find out what I'm doing wrong so I can stop doing it." When they say, "I need to find out how to make better choices and decisions about the people I choose to date." When they say, "I haven't had a date in years, and I need to learn how to date again." When they decide to take positive steps to do something about their painful situation -- and then follow through and do it.

Singles have the opportunity everyday to take the steps necessary to be winners. Be mindful of the choices you are making today!

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wnbc.com