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Find your match, mate in newspaper personals
Readers might recall those Irish lonely hearts advertisements in this column a few weeks ago:
Grossly overweight Louth turf-cutter, 42-years-old Gemini, seeks nimble sexpot, preferably South American, for tango sessions, candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion. Must have own car and be willing to travel.
They were sent to me by a reader, Dr Hugh Lazarus, now living in London.
Now another familiar visitor to my stoep, Dr Hugh Cobb of Rosebank, Johannesburg has sent me a collection of Senior Personal Ads.
Excuse me. Threnody! (She's my secretary y'know). THRENODY! THRENODEEEEEE! Ah, there you are painting your nails.
Please find that letter from Dr Hugh Cobb and type it in here while I sort out these bubble gum wrappers to see if there are any jokes I can use.
What? You can't find it in all those drawers filled with "M" for "Miscellaneous" files? What about that "L" for "Letters" file you once started?
Ah, you found it! You forgot you'd started a file titled "IFDNH"? What on earth does IFDNH stand for? Ah I see - "Ideas From Doctors Named Hugh".
Senior Personal Advertisements from newspapers:
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro
on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy
chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my tapes.
MINT CONDITION: Male, 1922, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many
new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition,
but walks well.
MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday to Thursday. If you can remember
Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
MAD NAMES AGAIN
A reader tells me that American parents are showing a tendency to name their children after commercial products like cars. Jaguar and Camry are currently popular.
There's a 3-year-old named Timberland - his dad's favourite shoe brand. His mother told a journalist that the father's alternative was Reebok but she was hoping for Kevin.
There are dozens of kids named Canon and Xerox.
Parents can be very selfish when naming children. Di Wilson has come across the name Randy Stripling of Cleveland, Tennessee.
Sylvia Shapshak says a recent column on "nominative determinism" (people who find careers to suit their surnames) reminded her of a butcher in Bethal called Kilov (pronounced "kill off") and of a firm of undertakers in Cape Town, Human & Pitt.
She also referred to a recent piece on cross-bred dogs and asks, "Do you know what you get when you cross a Rottweiller with a giraffe? A second-storey watchdog."
Yet another reader (oh, yes, I've got readers I haven't used yet), Des Saidel, takes the names debate into a new dimension. What, he asks, would a lawyer call his daughter? The answer is Sue.
He goes on:
Thief's son - Rob
Doctor's son - Bill
Astronomer's daughter - Haley
Steam shovel operator's son - Doug
Homeopath's son - Herb
Sound stage technician's son - Mike
Gambler's daughter - Bette
Cattle thief's son - Russell
Metal worker's son - Rusty
TV star's daughter - Emmy
Movie star's son - Oscar
Full credit for story goes to: The Star, Africa